God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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