'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
