Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
