Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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