The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
God I need to hump something, right now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
