I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
