There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
