If i could tip my vagina, i would.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
