I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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