my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
