Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
