You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
