I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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