She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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