He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
