Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
