You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
