New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
