I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
