my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
