Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
