I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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