Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
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She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You left your phone here
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