Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
