a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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