jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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