sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
