Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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