just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
