Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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