i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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