when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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