the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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