I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
