I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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