mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
