when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
