Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
