So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
