Someone shit on the floor
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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