Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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