I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
