I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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