You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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