oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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