I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
