So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
