dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
