i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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