What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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