You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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