At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
