You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
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There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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