i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize