I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
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My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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