Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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