apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
