i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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